Another day on my journey: I’m back!

Oh my God, it’s been ages since I wrote something on this blog. So much has happened and I will tell you about it, but I’m hoping I can keep writing, because it helps.

Now for an update. Believe it or not my husband and I are still together and our relationship hasn’t been better. I still get my own salary in my own account, but we don’t share the bills. I pay all of them. Now that looks like a bad thing, but I can afford it and at least the bills get paid. As I am still on my journey the next step is to get to a situation where I can start paying off my debts. At the moment I am not and I know I should, but it will take some adjustments on my side and I am taking it slow so the changes will last.

Now the reason I can afford the bills is because I have a new job. The only thing I am having trouble with at the moment is accepting the fact that I have this job and that it will last. I did not get off to a good start. The job is very demanding and so much different to what I’m used to. My boss has made some remarks about me being slow and not moving around enough. Well I am doing the best I can and if this job was meant to last it will, if not it won’t. I’m open to anything. It’s so liberating to write this down. I really feel that as long as I am doing my best that’s all I can do. If my best is not good enough, so be it.

I had my first call with Joan. I finally was able to get the money together to afford calling her. It was a great call. I have a recording. She really gave me some great exercises and insights into what could be going on with me. It seems I’m suppressing a lot of anger and I think fear as well. She told me to use my journal and just scribble things in it. I did it and it felt great. I’m also expressing emotion by making sounds. It really helps. It’s amazing.

So in short, I’ve made a lot of progress on my journey. I’m making more money, did I tell you I have a new car? Well not new, second hand, but great. Fuel efficient, small… I save so much money on gas, it’s the best. Especially since the new job is closer to the house.

Oh I have two jobs, so the potential of making even more money. Life is ok at the moment. I’m keeping, keeping on…

Another day on my journey: Got a lot to tell you!

It’s been a while since I wrote a post for my blog/journal. I would “blame” it on the moving stupids. For those of you who don’t know what they are, let me explain. When you go through the moving stupids you feel disoriented and like who am I, what’s going on? You loose things, feel different about what’s going on, people behave differently…. Life looks different. Basically you are going through changes!

And I definitely am going through that. Let me tell you what has happened the last few days. Bare with me, because I have a feeling I am still in the middle of it all.

In my last entry I told you about not being able keep track of my money online anymore and that I had trouble finding software that I could use. You see I have dinars and most of the software is for $, so that was giving me problems. Now, yesterday I found this really nice software that you can use to keep track of any currency and an unlimited amount of accounts. It also has all these different reports you can run. I am trying it out now for 30 days and then I think I’ll buy it. If you’re curious to know what I’m talking about go here AceMoney.

That was the good news, now for the “bad” news. I am now getting my salary in my own account, which is great, if not that my husband is not happy about it. He decided that we have to split the bills 50/50 and that we should both live our lives. For now it means he no longer sleeps in our bed, but somewhere else, either out of the house or in our guestroom.

Now for the “good” part about this. I am so okay with this. It doesn’t upset me as much as it “should”. I’ve come to realize that things happen and I decide how to react to them. I have to admit that I got all emotional when he told me that he wanted us to share the bills, because I was afraid I didn’t make enough. But then it occurred to me that I hadn’t even calculated everything and looked at the numbers. Turns out I’ll have a lot more left than before and I could start paying off debts. So now I’ve set up an excel sheet with all the numbers, where I’ll be keeping track of our bills and who pays what.

I have come to the last month of the BYMM program and I must say I’ve made quite some progress in these last 6 months. Month 6 is about loving yourself and treating yourself as someone you love. I was already able to look myself in the eyes and say that I loved myself, but now I feel I am putting it into practice. My identity factor is trying hard to keep me where I was, especially when it comes to my relationship with my husband, but whatever happens, happens and I’ll deal with it then. I am sending him loving pink light as often as I can, because I want us to be happy together. He just has to realize that this new situation is for the good of both of us and our family.

I’m doing the best I can to stay focused on a positive outcome to this experience, what else could I do! Worry?! Absolutely not! Not an option at all… debt free prosperous living here I come!

Day 120 on my journey: I’m almost there…!

Like I said before my husband agreed I could get my full salary in my own account. The last few days we’ve had some heated discussions about how we should spend our money.

I understand his side of the story and I wish he would understand mine. Slowly but surely I feel that he’ll agree to me having some sessions with Joan. I really want him to agree to that because I do not want any arguing about how much that is going to cost.

I think I was able to get him to understand that I am a grown woman who needs to have some control over her own money, if not full control. He wants us to do everything together, but he is always the one with the final say about what happens to our money. This is frustrating to me, because I hate being late to pay for our bills and he doesn’t really care.

End of the day we are behind on one of our bills for months and I just can’t seem to get it through to him that it’s important to pay your bills. Although after our talks he seems more open to my point of view.

Our main problem is that he is focused more on the future and I look more into what we need now. We have not been able to get a balance.

He’s afraid I’ll misuse our money and I’m afraid he’ll loose it all in his endeavors to make more money for the future.

Anyway I am this close (holding my fingers really close together) to getting my sessions with Joan.

I really need her to take me under her wings and help me overcome my fears, build my business and marketing skills, because I do want to be in business for myself and even though I am smart enough I feel I lack the determination and ability to sell anything…

Joan here I come…:-)

Day 113 on my journey: An important financial decission to make…

Starting next week I’m going to work an extra hour every day… more money! Nice huh?!

It’s great of course, but with this extra money comes the question of what to do with it. What will most likely happen and I hope it won’t is that the money will go into my husband’s account.

A co-worker told me that I should be stronger in dealing with this with my husband. That the money I make is mine and that I should be getting it and deciding with to do with it, instead of it going into his account. I have tried to talk to my husband about this in the past and he was not willing to listen to me.

Now here is what I want. I know the Universe is listening so I’ll be as specific as possible.

I am willing to “give” my husband 300KD every month and keep the rest. The rest will be about 200KD. It depends on how many hours I really work. Anything can happen.
I want to save some of this money and spend the rest on getting ready to start my own business. I need to learn so much about having a business. I need business- and marketing skills for sure.

At the moment I am just not confident enough I could make it in business. I would really like to have my own way of making money, but I am realistic enough to know that with my current mindset I wouldn’t succeed.

Now this may sound negative. I prefer to call it: Being Real!

First off all I need to really decide on what it is I would like to do. We spend all this money on me getting my graphics and design diploma, so I feel I have to do something with it.

I believe I need coaching. Someone outside myself who can take an objective look at my situation and give me some advice.

So the extra money I would definitely spend on some coaching sessions with Joan Sotkin and/or with Jeanie Marshall. I admire both these women for their hard work and marketing abilities. I could learn a lot from them.

It is time to accept that there is only so much I can do by myself. I really want to do something with my life, instead of just working for someone else.

But like I said I need to get ready… I need to prepare…

Day 108 on my journey: Changing habits…

I cashed my check today. All day long I asked myself what am I going to do with the money. I discussed “coaching” with my husband and he was not in favor of it.

He also doesn’t think it’s necessary for me to get a digital camera, but it’s ok for me to get a new hairdryer. I don’t know what to do. Why do I listen to him? Why do I allow him to control what happens to money I work for?

I don’t know. I really don’t.

And then I read my girls a bed time story from a children’s bible and it was about giving. So I decided to not start a fight and accept the fact that I have not come to a point of having more yet and just give!

I have noticed that my husband is much more loving towards me though. He likes my new hairdo. I see progress. I need to keep on keeping on.

Anyway I came across a great website about designing your lifestyle. Timothy Ferriss wrote a book called “4 Hour Work Week”. I think I’m going to order that book.

He also talks about how to change a habit on his site. His advice is based on the book “The Power of Less”. The best way to change a habit is to focus on just one for 30 days. There are more rules, but it makes sense to me. Just have a look here if you want to know more.

So the first habit I am instilling is:

Set my 3 MITs (Most Important Tasks) each morning.

There is a list of 12 habits. 1 for every month. I feel like I really needed this and have found my answer to overcoming overwhelm.

This is the year for me to get more organized and disciplined. I said it!

Day 17 on my journey: Focusing on prosperity

I did a BSFF session this morning focusing on prosperity… we’ll see what happens.

All I know is that what Joan suggested about connecting to people, is working. I am making more money and I am not yet thinking about how to spend it… wooha!

I wanted to continue reading the e-book on How to work when and where I wanted, but I got caught up in my web redesign again. I think I’ve finally come up with a color scheme I like. I just need to add the finishing touches and get the ball rolling.

I really hope to attract a lot of people to my site. Although to be honest I don’t know whether or not I would be able to handle all the extra attention. At the moment I don’t have that many people contacting me through my site even though I have quite an average amount of visitors. I think that the fact that I am some what afraid to get in touch with a lot of people is keeping them back from contacting me.
In my new design I am going to make it easier for people to contact me. I can always change it again, should I get really uncomfortable getting a lot of email.

The fact that I don’t really look forward to getting too much mail, is another proof of why I am in the situation I am in. I should open up to others more… I am sure that the moment I can do that a debt free prosperous life is just around the corner…

Day 13 on my journey: Finally a compromise…

My husband and I had a good talk about our finances and how we should take care of the bills and save every month. I am so grateful to say that we’ve finally come to a compromise. In all the years that I’ve known him it has seemed to me like he wanted to be in control of “our” money.

We spoke about how I feel and how he feels and it was good.

Is there such a thing as coincidence? Just yesterday I did some BSFF on control issues and the same night we started our talk. I don’t believe in coincidences… I just know it was because of what I did with BSFF… The treatments seem to kick in faster every time…

So now I am finally going to have my own money every month. Before I would ask my husband for money for every little thing I needed. I do get a little money on the side, but it is not a fixed amount. Now I know how much I’ll be getting every month. Most of the extra money I am going to make will go into our savings… which feels good… I don’t want to spend all my money like I used to do…

My husband still thinks I am like I used to be… and who knows how much I’ve changed. We’ll see how I handle the extra money in my pocket… Most of it will go for my gas, but at least I can call it my own…

The next thing I want to treat with BSFF is my perfectionism and fear of either failure or success…

Wish me luck…