Another day on my journey: I’m back!

Oh my God, it’s been ages since I wrote something on this blog. So much has happened and I will tell you about it, but I’m hoping I can keep writing, because it helps.

Now for an update. Believe it or not my husband and I are still together and our relationship hasn’t been better. I still get my own salary in my own account, but we don’t share the bills. I pay all of them. Now that looks like a bad thing, but I can afford it and at least the bills get paid. As I am still on my journey the next step is to get to a situation where I can start paying off my debts. At the moment I am not and I know I should, but it will take some adjustments on my side and I am taking it slow so the changes will last.

Now the reason I can afford the bills is because I have a new job. The only thing I am having trouble with at the moment is accepting the fact that I have this job and that it will last. I did not get off to a good start. The job is very demanding and so much different to what I’m used to. My boss has made some remarks about me being slow and not moving around enough. Well I am doing the best I can and if this job was meant to last it will, if not it won’t. I’m open to anything. It’s so liberating to write this down. I really feel that as long as I am doing my best that’s all I can do. If my best is not good enough, so be it.

I had my first call with Joan. I finally was able to get the money together to afford calling her. It was a great call. I have a recording. She really gave me some great exercises and insights into what could be going on with me. It seems I’m suppressing a lot of anger and I think fear as well. She told me to use my journal and just scribble things in it. I did it and it felt great. I’m also expressing emotion by making sounds. It really helps. It’s amazing.

So in short, I’ve made a lot of progress on my journey. I’m making more money, did I tell you I have a new car? Well not new, second hand, but great. Fuel efficient, small… I save so much money on gas, it’s the best. Especially since the new job is closer to the house.

Oh I have two jobs, so the potential of making even more money. Life is ok at the moment. I’m keeping, keeping on…

Another day on my journey: Got a lot to tell you!

It’s been a while since I wrote a post for my blog/journal. I would “blame” it on the moving stupids. For those of you who don’t know what they are, let me explain. When you go through the moving stupids you feel disoriented and like who am I, what’s going on? You loose things, feel different about what’s going on, people behave differently…. Life looks different. Basically you are going through changes!

And I definitely am going through that. Let me tell you what has happened the last few days. Bare with me, because I have a feeling I am still in the middle of it all.

In my last entry I told you about not being able keep track of my money online anymore and that I had trouble finding software that I could use. You see I have dinars and most of the software is for $, so that was giving me problems. Now, yesterday I found this really nice software that you can use to keep track of any currency and an unlimited amount of accounts. It also has all these different reports you can run. I am trying it out now for 30 days and then I think I’ll buy it. If you’re curious to know what I’m talking about go here AceMoney.

That was the good news, now for the “bad” news. I am now getting my salary in my own account, which is great, if not that my husband is not happy about it. He decided that we have to split the bills 50/50 and that we should both live our lives. For now it means he no longer sleeps in our bed, but somewhere else, either out of the house or in our guestroom.

Now for the “good” part about this. I am so okay with this. It doesn’t upset me as much as it “should”. I’ve come to realize that things happen and I decide how to react to them. I have to admit that I got all emotional when he told me that he wanted us to share the bills, because I was afraid I didn’t make enough. But then it occurred to me that I hadn’t even calculated everything and looked at the numbers. Turns out I’ll have a lot more left than before and I could start paying off debts. So now I’ve set up an excel sheet with all the numbers, where I’ll be keeping track of our bills and who pays what.

I have come to the last month of the BYMM program and I must say I’ve made quite some progress in these last 6 months. Month 6 is about loving yourself and treating yourself as someone you love. I was already able to look myself in the eyes and say that I loved myself, but now I feel I am putting it into practice. My identity factor is trying hard to keep me where I was, especially when it comes to my relationship with my husband, but whatever happens, happens and I’ll deal with it then. I am sending him loving pink light as often as I can, because I want us to be happy together. He just has to realize that this new situation is for the good of both of us and our family.

I’m doing the best I can to stay focused on a positive outcome to this experience, what else could I do! Worry?! Absolutely not! Not an option at all… debt free prosperous living here I come!

Day 135 on my journey: I finally got it! Some bad and good news

I got it! I got my digital camera… it’s yellow! It’s great so far. My mom arrived yesterday evening and brought it with her. I hadn’t seen her in over three years. It was really great to see her again.

Now as you may know I have been keeping track of my spending. I found this really cool online personal finance software, for free and was happily using it. That was until about a week ago. I noticed that they added some Google Ads and it’s giving me problems when I want to open the site in Internet Explorer. I can get into the site with Firefox, but I’m not able to add any new transactions, so that’s useless at the moment. This all happened just when I thought I was on a roll. Now I’m a bit behind on keeping track.

I am convinced it’s my identity factor kicking in. I am being tested to see whether I really want to be taking better care of my money. This little setback should not stand in my way. I can still keep track on paper and wait for them to fix my problem or find something else.
Finding something else has proven difficult, so keeping track on paper, it is. At least for now.

Now that was the bad new. Now it’s time for some good news.
I’m going to be featured on Higher Ground For Women. They want me to send them my bio and offer something for their visitors, like a book. So I’ve decided to write a book.

I found someone who can help me with the editing. So wish me luck writing my very first book. I’ll keep you posted.

Day 121 on my journey: Need to get out there again…!

Believe it or not, I got my check for January, went to the bank to cash it and there was something wrong with it.

Because I was expecting the money, I basically spend all the money I had. I was upset, but I can’t really explain the emotion(s) I was feeling.

Anyway I found a solution. I drove home and my husband was still there. He was trying to fix our washing machine. So I asked/told him I was going to take some money out of our account and replace it later. He just shrugged his shoulders and said it was ok.

I was amazed. I was prepared to beg…:-) I mean I felt like he would give me a hard time. Things are really changing and that’s really wonderful.

So I gave back the check to have it “fixed” and we’ll see when I get it back.

Now this is my theory behind all this. I am at a just enough level. So me running out of money and then getting enough for the rest of the month fairly quick is “normal”.

But I want to get to a state were I will have enough money all the time. Or at least feel like I do. Another explanation is that I haven’t been on Facebook and Twitter as often as I used to, so I’m isolating myself.

I know it may sound strange, but connecting to others really helps.

What I’ve been doing lately is staying in the moment. I’ll ask myself “Do I have everything I need right now?” and my answer is always yes. I may not have everything I want, but that is less important.

On this day I listened to last weeks BYMM teleclass. It was just awesome. Joan spoke about how the feeling of aloneness is past on generation on generation and that it goes really deep.

I know I have issues with aloneness and I’ve done some BSFF on it, but I haven’t allowed myself to really feel it yet. I really wonder whether I could.

Joan gave some tips on getting in touch with your feelings in order to release them.

Now all I need is a free hour to get it done… wish me luck!

Day 116 on my journey: It’s a miracle…!

I was in owe this morning. My husband suggested, HIMSELF, that my salary should be payed into my account so I can access my “allowance” and I won’t have to wait for my check anymore. I told him I was broke and he gave me some money. He said something about paying him back, but we’ll see about that. I probably will… that’s just me!

I see this as a major accomplishment and a miracle. He has always been against me having access to my own money, because I think he thinks I’ll spend it all. I think I’ve proven to him that he doesn’t have to be scared of that. When he was gone for a few weeks and gave me the bank card, he was surprised to still find as much money in the bank as there was.

He was probably afraid it would all be gone…:-)

The best thing is that I didn’t even have to ask. All I did was visualize a few times that my husband is willing to let me have my money in my account. The next step is to visualize that I have full control over it.

He has not yet said what he wants me to do with the rest of the money every month, but I feel optimistic about that. It’s amazing to me! This visualizing works.

First the digital camera (I still need to order it by the way) and now this. Next is coaching sessions with Joan. I’m sure those are going to be very helpful.

I now have access to month 5 of the BYMM program. This month is about activating the creative inner child and asking for money. Oh and I am also going to learn how to “act as if” and work on getting my project for month 4 done. I had three projects for month 4 and I already got two of them mostly done, so I consider that just the best thing ever… I could get the hang of this…

Ask and you shall receive… visualize and you create…

Oh I just realize, what’s even better? The results of my visualization are better than I expected. I didn’t have to ask to have my own money in my own account. WooHoo!

Day 110 on my journey: I am so grateful…!

I am on my way to getting a new digital camera… I am so grateful. After all this time desiring one, it seems like I’ve got the money and that it’s only a matter of time for me to get one.

I’m happy, but there’s a but. I was able to convince my husband that I needed this camera to make money. I told him that I could use it to make pictures and sell them online. Which is true, but (here’s where I’m being honest with myself) I’m not sure whether I’ll be able to do that.

I listened to a Joan’s radio show (there’s a link on the right to her blogtalkradioshow). She interviewed Valerie Young today. Valerie is an expert on helping people change careers. She trains people to help people find ways to make money, outside of the box.

It was interesting to listen to them talk, because they spoke about marketing and the skills people need in order to become entrepreneurs or solo practitioners among other things.

I hope to be a coach someday. At the moment I have so many excuses not to become one, that I sometimes feel I’ll probably never be one. I know this is not constructive thinking, but I am determined to do something other than work for someone else for the rest of my life.

An important skill I need to improve is interacting with people. I prefer writing people emails to actually talking to them. Although I am not as afraid as I used to be.

At the moment I feel like the Universe is bombarding me with help. I keep getting links and information teaching me about things I want to learn about, like the marketing and how important it is to be clear on your intentions.

My intention for my life is to feel free!

I know deep down inside that I have the potential. I just have to peel away the layers of emotional blocks covering up my personal power so it can be revealed and I can finally be ME!

Day 107 on my journey: Got the check…!

I am not sure what happened this month, but I finally got my check. Could it be that because of my just-enough feelings I created this?

You see my husband was away for a few weeks and I had the bankcard. I didn’t really need any extra money, but he is coming back tomorrow so…

This time that he was not here, was actually a good thing. It gave me time to think about what I want to do with my money.

I will have to find the right time to discuss my plans with him. If anything in my beliefs has changed he will react positively, if not, I have some more work to do!

Day 100 on my journey: What is going on?

Today is January 11 and I still have not received my check for December. I asked about it and was told that my boss kept forgetting her key or something. I really hope I’m not going back to my old habits.

I have been quite busy. I reviewed the exercises in the other months and realized that I didn’t do all of them. For example in month one I was supposed to buy a pink candle and sit quietly with myself and forgive myself.

So I bought the candle and did the forgiveness routine for a few minutes. I noticed that I couldn’t stay focused. So I’ll try again. I’ll be using this candle when I’m doing my guided meditations.

Talking about meditations. I ordered one from Jeanie Marshall, but have not yet received it. I’m looking forward to listening to it. It’s called “Golden Pool of Abundance”.

So, so far no check and no audio… I wish I knew what was going on!

By the way I changed my project for month 4. I am no longer going to focus on paying my debts back, I’m going to manifest coaching sessions with Joan. I’ve been wanting to do them for years and I feel the time has come.

I need to call in some extra help to get through this phase.

I love the audio for this month. I’m going to listen to it again tomorrow.

Day 76 on my journey: Got another one…

Yep, they gave me another one… so far my new MP3 player is working. I hope it continues to work because it would be a shame to “loose” the money I payed for it.

Well we’ll see.

On this day I bought a journal. I feel like writing down some stuff. Some things I would like to keep private.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my prosperity buddy. Last week we couldn’t talk, so we’ll get a chance to catch up tomorrow.

Day 55 on my journey: Adjusting the days and having a look at my progress!

I thought I’d do a count of the days since I started my journey, just to be on track, because I had a feeling I skipped a few days. I was right I did miss out a few days, about a week actually. Well I am on track again.

Yesterday was my birthday and my husband threw me a surprise birthday party. It was really great. I danced deep into the night… great people and I felt so at ease. This is a big chance for me. Normally there would be stuff bothering me and I would be busy trying to please everybody, but last night I was only thinking of having fun. And it felt good. I noticed that I did have more fun and I “noticed” other people. I was not just there observing every one, I was part of the group.

I listened to a teleclass. I have to listen again. It was really interesting to hear one of the participants and how she holds on to her ego or her just-enough identity and even to see how she creates it.

I connected with some more people via Facebook and Twitter. It’s just amazing to me how I feel so much more connected to others. Joan says that in month 4 she has some exercises for the right brain. So that’ll be interesting. I think that the BSFF statements in month two helped me with really feeling my feelings more.

I’d like to finish the redesign of my site before the end of this month. I hope I’ll make it, because it would also be another great way to connect to others.

I am definitely aware of how my less-than-enough/just-enough identity is affecting my life at the moment. For example I didn’t make it through the month with my “allowance”. I had to use some of the extra money in my savings. That doesn’t feel nice nor does it feel bad. It just happened.

The funny thing is that I keep thinking I’ll make it, that it’s enough money. Although every once in a while the thought of it not being enough creeps in and I guess those thoughts won again this month.

I am determined to change this habit. I just know that it’ll get better every month.

I always have enough money… but you know how you always wish you had more?! I want to move from having just enough to having more than enough… the journey continues!