Now for an update. Believe it or not my husband and I are still together and our relationship hasn’t been better. I still get my own salary in my own account, but we don’t share the bills. I pay all of them. Now that looks like a bad thing, but I can afford it and at least the bills get paid. As I am still on my journey the next step is to get to a situation where I can start paying off my debts. At the moment I am not and I know I should, but it will take some adjustments on my side and I am taking it slow so the changes will last.

Now the reason I can afford the bills is because I have a new job. The only thing I am having trouble with at the moment is accepting the fact that I have this job and that it will last. I did not get off to a good start. The job is very demanding and so much different to what I’m used to. My boss has made some remarks about me being slow and not moving around enough. Well I am doing the best I can and if this job was meant to last it will, if not it won’t. I’m open to anything. It’s so liberating to write this down. I really feel that as long as I am doing my best that’s all I can do. If my best is not good enough, so be it.

I had my first call with Joan. I finally was able to get the money together to afford calling her. It was a great call. I have a recording. She really gave me some great exercises and insights into what could be going on with me. It seems I’m suppressing a lot of anger and I think fear as well. She told me to use my journal and just scribble things in it. I did it and it felt great. I’m also expressing emotion by making sounds. It really helps. It’s amazing.

So in short, I’ve made a lot of progress on my journey. I’m making more money, did I tell you I have a new car? Well not new, second hand, but great. Fuel efficient, small… I save so much money on gas, it’s the best. Especially since the new job is closer to the house.

Oh I have two jobs, so the potential of making even more money. Life is ok at the moment. I’m keeping, keeping on…

And I definitely am going through that. Let me tell you what has happened the last few days. Bare with me, because I have a feeling I am still in the middle of it all.

In my last entry I told you about not being able keep track of my money online anymore and that I had trouble finding software that I could use. You see I have dinars and most of the software is for $, so that was giving me problems. Now, yesterday I found this really nice software that you can use to keep track of any currency and an unlimited amount of accounts. It also has all these different reports you can run. I am trying it out now for 30 days and then I think I’ll buy it. If you’re curious to know what I’m talking about go here AceMoney.

That was the good news, now for the “bad” news. I am now getting my salary in my own account, which is great, if not that my husband is not happy about it. He decided that we have to split the bills 50/50 and that we should both live our lives. For now it means he no longer sleeps in our bed, but somewhere else, either out of the house or in our guestroom.

Now for the “good” part about this. I am so okay with this. It doesn’t upset me as much as it “should”. I’ve come to realize that things happen and I decide how to react to them. I have to admit that I got all emotional when he told me that he wanted us to share the bills, because I was afraid I didn’t make enough. But then it occurred to me that I hadn’t even calculated everything and looked at the numbers. Turns out I’ll have a lot more left than before and I could start paying off debts. So now I’ve set up an excel sheet with all the numbers, where I’ll be keeping track of our bills and who pays what.

I have come to the last month of the BYMM program and I must say I’ve made quite some progress in these last 6 months. Month 6 is about loving yourself and treating yourself as someone you love. I was already able to look myself in the eyes and say that I loved myself, but now I feel I am putting it into practice. My identity factor is trying hard to keep me where I was, especially when it comes to my relationship with my husband, but whatever happens, happens and I’ll deal with it then. I am sending him loving pink light as often as I can, because I want us to be happy together. He just has to realize that this new situation is for the good of both of us and our family.

I’m doing the best I can to stay focused on a positive outcome to this experience, what else could I do! Worry?! Absolutely not! Not an option at all… debt free prosperous living here I come!

Now as you may know I have been keeping track of my spending. I found this really cool online personal finance software, for free and was happily using it. That was until about a week ago. I noticed that they added some Google Ads and it’s giving me problems when I want to open the site in Internet Explorer. I can get into the site with Firefox, but I’m not able to add any new transactions, so that’s useless at the moment. This all happened just when I thought I was on a roll. Now I’m a bit behind on keeping track.

I am convinced it’s my identity factor kicking in. I am being tested to see whether I really want to be taking better care of my money. This little setback should not stand in my way. I can still keep track on paper and wait for them to fix my problem or find something else.
Finding something else has proven difficult, so keeping track on paper, it is. At least for now.

Now that was the bad new. Now it’s time for some good news.
I’m going to be featured on Higher Ground For Women. They want me to send them my bio and offer something for their visitors, like a book. So I’ve decided to write a book.

I found someone who can help me with the editing. So wish me luck writing my very first book. I’ll keep you posted.

I could feel the energy. It was nice and warm. She asked us to release something that we wanted to let go off and make the sound that went with the feelings. I couldn’t really do that, because my husband was in the room with me.:-( And to be honest I did not have a clue what sound to make. I feel like my throat is stuck or something. I can’t let go.

I’ll just have to try it a few more times and see what happens. Although this experience has made me realize how much I isolate myself. I didn’t really feel part of the group. This is my biggest block I think. To get out of my isolation and feel part of something.

I do feel closer to my husband which is really great and I’ve noticed that I don’t feel like spending as much as I used to, even though I have some money in my wallet.

I even put some money aside this month. A major breakthrough!

This is what has happened in the last few days that is proof to me that I am the “cause” of what it going on in my life.

1. I got a digital camera. I visualized it and I bought it. I haven’t actually got it yet, but it’s on its way.

2. I attracted someone in my life who I believe can be of great help to me. Her name is Brenda Bentley and she’s a hypnotherapist. I listened to an interview Joan did with her and it took away most of the fear I have of hypnosis. I am ready to give hypnosis a try and I feel like Brenda is the ideal person to help me out.

3. I have, for some time now, wanted some changes in my marriage. I wished for my husband to be more affectionate and realized that in order for him to be like that towards me I have to be more affectionate towards myself. So I set the intention of taking better care of myself. I cut my hair and finally found some hair products that don’t dry out my hair and it looks great. And I was right, my husband is more affectionate and I’m very grateful for that.

4. I am still keeping track of my money and it’s going better and better every day.

5. I get an “allowance” every month and this month I got some more.

6. I have learned so much from Joan’s BYMM program, that I feel more secure. I feel like I’ll soon find my true purpose, because becoming debt-free and prosperous is part of my purpose. I have to be “doing” something in order to be debt-free and prosperous. That something should be of service to others.

I bought a blue candle today to start my ritual as suggested in month 5. The reason I choose a blue candle, is first of all because blue is my favorite color, but also because blue is the color of the throat chakra. I am pretty good at writing stuff, because I can take my time and think, but talking does not come that easy to me. I choke up a lot. I need a ritual to open up my throat chakra and allow my words to flow more fluently…

The Universe is on my side. It feels great!

For years now I’ve been “wanting” a digital camera. I mean I had one, a cheap one and it broke! And I could use my mobile, but I want quality, so I got myself an Olympus Mju 1040 Melon Yellow (yep it’s yellow!). It’s 10 megapixels and I also ordered 2GB extra memory and a camera bag.

What is even more exciting is the way it all happened. I manifested it and I think I did a great job!

I feel like I listened to my intuition, because I ended up spending less than I thought I would, I waited a bit and really asked myself whether to buy the one I wanted to buy at first. I found this one, that’s better than the one I wanted to buy and cheaper on this website with really good deals, but I got the memory card and camera bag from somewhere else because they were cheaper there.

I don’t have it yet. I ordered it from the Netherlands and my mom will be taking it with her when she comes to visit. I’ve waited so long I can wait another week and a half.

Isn’t this great news? Now don’t get me wrong. The main thing I’m excited about is the fact that I was able to use visualization combined with feelings to get this camera. I used to think it was impossible. To expensive, my husband wouldn’t approve, etc, etc…

Now I have proof that I can manifest whatever I like.

I am still focusing on sessions with Joan and I have a good feeling about that. I am not in a hurry. I just know that the best solution for my challenges will present itself. I am ready and waiting!

Because I was expecting the money, I basically spend all the money I had. I was upset, but I can’t really explain the emotion(s) I was feeling.

Anyway I found a solution. I drove home and my husband was still there. He was trying to fix our washing machine. So I asked/told him I was going to take some money out of our account and replace it later. He just shrugged his shoulders and said it was ok.

I was amazed. I was prepared to beg…:-) I mean I felt like he would give me a hard time. Things are really changing and that’s really wonderful.

So I gave back the check to have it “fixed” and we’ll see when I get it back.

Now this is my theory behind all this. I am at a just enough level. So me running out of money and then getting enough for the rest of the month fairly quick is “normal”.

But I want to get to a state were I will have enough money all the time. Or at least feel like I do. Another explanation is that I haven’t been on Facebook and Twitter as often as I used to, so I’m isolating myself.

I know it may sound strange, but connecting to others really helps.

What I’ve been doing lately is staying in the moment. I’ll ask myself “Do I have everything I need right now?” and my answer is always yes. I may not have everything I want, but that is less important.

On this day I listened to last weeks BYMM teleclass. It was just awesome. Joan spoke about how the feeling of aloneness is past on generation on generation and that it goes really deep.

I know I have issues with aloneness and I’ve done some BSFF on it, but I haven’t allowed myself to really feel it yet. I really wonder whether I could.

Joan gave some tips on getting in touch with your feelings in order to release them.

Now all I need is a free hour to get it done… wish me luck!

I understand his side of the story and I wish he would understand mine. Slowly but surely I feel that he’ll agree to me having some sessions with Joan. I really want him to agree to that because I do not want any arguing about how much that is going to cost.

I think I was able to get him to understand that I am a grown woman who needs to have some control over her own money, if not full control. He wants us to do everything together, but he is always the one with the final say about what happens to our money. This is frustrating to me, because I hate being late to pay for our bills and he doesn’t really care.

End of the day we are behind on one of our bills for months and I just can’t seem to get it through to him that it’s important to pay your bills. Although after our talks he seems more open to my point of view.

Our main problem is that he is focused more on the future and I look more into what we need now. We have not been able to get a balance.

He’s afraid I’ll misuse our money and I’m afraid he’ll loose it all in his endeavors to make more money for the future.

Anyway I am this close (holding my fingers really close together) to getting my sessions with Joan.

I really need her to take me under her wings and help me overcome my fears, build my business and marketing skills, because I do want to be in business for myself and even though I am smart enough I feel I lack the determination and ability to sell anything…

Joan here I come…:-)

I see this as a major accomplishment and a miracle. He has always been against me having access to my own money, because I think he thinks I’ll spend it all. I think I’ve proven to him that he doesn’t have to be scared of that. When he was gone for a few weeks and gave me the bank card, he was surprised to still find as much money in the bank as there was.

He was probably afraid it would all be gone…:-)

The best thing is that I didn’t even have to ask. All I did was visualize a few times that my husband is willing to let me have my money in my account. The next step is to visualize that I have full control over it.

He has not yet said what he wants me to do with the rest of the money every month, but I feel optimistic about that. It’s amazing to me! This visualizing works.

First the digital camera (I still need to order it by the way) and now this. Next is coaching sessions with Joan. I’m sure those are going to be very helpful.

I now have access to month 5 of the BYMM program. This month is about activating the creative inner child and asking for money. Oh and I am also going to learn how to “act as if” and work on getting my project for month 4 done. I had three projects for month 4 and I already got two of them mostly done, so I consider that just the best thing ever… I could get the hang of this…

Ask and you shall receive… visualize and you create…

Oh I just realize, what’s even better? The results of my visualization are better than I expected. I didn’t have to ask to have my own money in my own account. WooHoo!

It’s great of course, but with this extra money comes the question of what to do with it. What will most likely happen and I hope it won’t is that the money will go into my husband’s account.

A co-worker told me that I should be stronger in dealing with this with my husband. That the money I make is mine and that I should be getting it and deciding with to do with it, instead of it going into his account. I have tried to talk to my husband about this in the past and he was not willing to listen to me.

Now here is what I want. I know the Universe is listening so I’ll be as specific as possible.

I am willing to “give” my husband 300KD every month and keep the rest. The rest will be about 200KD. It depends on how many hours I really work. Anything can happen.
I want to save some of this money and spend the rest on getting ready to start my own business. I need to learn so much about having a business. I need business- and marketing skills for sure.

At the moment I am just not confident enough I could make it in business. I would really like to have my own way of making money, but I am realistic enough to know that with my current mindset I wouldn’t succeed.

Now this may sound negative. I prefer to call it: Being Real!

First off all I need to really decide on what it is I would like to do. We spend all this money on me getting my graphics and design diploma, so I feel I have to do something with it.

I believe I need coaching. Someone outside myself who can take an objective look at my situation and give me some advice.

So the extra money I would definitely spend on some coaching sessions with Joan Sotkin and/or with Jeanie Marshall. I admire both these women for their hard work and marketing abilities. I could learn a lot from them.

It is time to accept that there is only so much I can do by myself. I really want to do something with my life, instead of just working for someone else.

But like I said I need to get ready… I need to prepare…