Day 120 on my journey: I’m almost there…!

Like I said before my husband agreed I could get my full salary in my own account. The last few days we’ve had some heated discussions about how we should spend our money.

I understand his side of the story and I wish he would understand mine. Slowly but surely I feel that he’ll agree to me having some sessions with Joan. I really want him to agree to that because I do not want any arguing about how much that is going to cost.

I think I was able to get him to understand that I am a grown woman who needs to have some control over her own money, if not full control. He wants us to do everything together, but he is always the one with the final say about what happens to our money. This is frustrating to me, because I hate being late to pay for our bills and he doesn’t really care.

End of the day we are behind on one of our bills for months and I just can’t seem to get it through to him that it’s important to pay your bills. Although after our talks he seems more open to my point of view.

Our main problem is that he is focused more on the future and I look more into what we need now. We have not been able to get a balance.

He’s afraid I’ll misuse our money and I’m afraid he’ll loose it all in his endeavors to make more money for the future.

Anyway I am this close (holding my fingers really close together) to getting my sessions with Joan.

I really need her to take me under her wings and help me overcome my fears, build my business and marketing skills, because I do want to be in business for myself and even though I am smart enough I feel I lack the determination and ability to sell anything…

Joan here I come…:-)

Day 116 on my journey: It’s a miracle…!

I was in owe this morning. My husband suggested, HIMSELF, that my salary should be payed into my account so I can access my “allowance” and I won’t have to wait for my check anymore. I told him I was broke and he gave me some money. He said something about paying him back, but we’ll see about that. I probably will… that’s just me!

I see this as a major accomplishment and a miracle. He has always been against me having access to my own money, because I think he thinks I’ll spend it all. I think I’ve proven to him that he doesn’t have to be scared of that. When he was gone for a few weeks and gave me the bank card, he was surprised to still find as much money in the bank as there was.

He was probably afraid it would all be gone…:-)

The best thing is that I didn’t even have to ask. All I did was visualize a few times that my husband is willing to let me have my money in my account. The next step is to visualize that I have full control over it.

He has not yet said what he wants me to do with the rest of the money every month, but I feel optimistic about that. It’s amazing to me! This visualizing works.

First the digital camera (I still need to order it by the way) and now this. Next is coaching sessions with Joan. I’m sure those are going to be very helpful.

I now have access to month 5 of the BYMM program. This month is about activating the creative inner child and asking for money. Oh and I am also going to learn how to “act as if” and work on getting my project for month 4 done. I had three projects for month 4 and I already got two of them mostly done, so I consider that just the best thing ever… I could get the hang of this…

Ask and you shall receive… visualize and you create…

Oh I just realize, what’s even better? The results of my visualization are better than I expected. I didn’t have to ask to have my own money in my own account. WooHoo!

Day 107 on my journey: Got the check…!

I am not sure what happened this month, but I finally got my check. Could it be that because of my just-enough feelings I created this?

You see my husband was away for a few weeks and I had the bankcard. I didn’t really need any extra money, but he is coming back tomorrow so…

This time that he was not here, was actually a good thing. It gave me time to think about what I want to do with my money.

I will have to find the right time to discuss my plans with him. If anything in my beliefs has changed he will react positively, if not, I have some more work to do!

Day 59 on my journey: Finally got my check!

My boss finally gave me my check today. I tried to cash it, but it was too crowded at the first bank I went to and I was too late at another one, so I’ll get the money in the morning.

I decided to tell my husband how much I made. He said: “HMM plenty money”. Knowing him that’s his way of showing approval.

Anyway, most of the money will go for my girl’s monthly school fees, which is overdue. I hope they won’t charge us an extra 10% they’ve been threatening to do.

For some reason my husband didn’t make as much as he normally does in a month. So my extra money comes in handy.

As I am approaching the end of month 2 which was about the Identity factor. I can really tell that I am held back by it. I wish to see more progress and I wish I would have done more.

I am not angry with myself. I am grateful that I am even on this path.

Next week I have a week of. Time to organize my life and house. I really look forward to having some time off…

Day 58 on my journey: Had a great day!

I had such a nice day today. Everything just seemed to flow. Traffic, work… just great.

The only thing that was a bit disappointing is that I still didn’t get my check. I hope tomorrow will be the day.

I’ve decided to meditate on the question whether or not to tell my husband the truth about the amount I made. I’m sure my higher self knows what’s best.

Day 56 on my journey: What would I choose to do?

One of the actions to be taken in month 2 of the program is to ask yourself the question “What would you choose to do if you weren’t afraid of what other people would say, and if making radical changes in your life would not harm you in any way, and if money were no object?”

This is a great question. I have asked myself this question many times before. It’s like asking yourself what your life purpose is, what it really is you would like to be doing with and in your life.

It’s not easy for me to answer that question. One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I love to study and learn new things. Now I don’t know whether I like it because of my situation. What I mean is, I don’t know whether trying to improve my life’s circumstances is motivating me to read and study or whether it is something that is coming from my higher self.

Something that always touches me is to see people being treated badly or being in bad conditions. I would love to be able to help others. I know from experience that it’s not easy to change habits and beliefs. I have the tools now in this program I am doing, but a lot of people don’t have access to this information or are just not aware of how they influence their reality.

I think that if money where no object, I would set up an organization to really help people who have a bad self-image.

I feel that a lot of people who try to help, use a lot of sweet talk. I believe people need to hear the truth about what is going on with them and if they are not willing to change, no problem, but if they are, I would be more than willing to help them. I know that by doing this I would be helping the entire collective consciousness and in the end everyone would benefit.

To be honest though. At the moment I can’t dream! All I want is to be debt free and living a prosperous life. I can’t imagine living like that yet, which is probably why I am still where I am.

This journey will take some time, but I am aware of that and willing to spend that time.

Day 47 on my journey: It’s not about money!

I listened to a teleclass on this day in the BYMM program. The people that shared their stories really showed that it’s not about money. It’s all about emotions and to be more specific, the blocked emotions, that need to be expressed and never fully get expressed.

I have noticed that I really need to take care of my disappointment issues. I’ve been so busy on Facebook, Twitter, working, taking care of the kids and some other stuff that I haven’t “found” the time yet to sit down and work on these issues.
Am I procrastinating? Yes!

I think there’s a fear deep within me that it won’t work and I’ll be disappointed again. Like I’m stuck in a vicious circle.

I really believe that this is my biggest issue at the moment.

Wish my luck “finding” the time to work through it.

Day 44 on my journey: Loving this!

I just love this program. It is so wonderful to connect to others, even if it’s over the Internet. Some people have befriended me on facebook and the founder of the group “Hurricane of Gratitude” has offered to make me an officer of the group.

He asked me to come up with a title and after some thought it occured to me that I have a passion for learning. I enjoy acquiring knowledge, especially about life. So I decided on the title “Life Explorer”.

I realized that there are two questions that are keeping me on my path to self improvement:

1. How does life work?
2. Where am I really from?

It feels great to know this about myself. To finally know what my passion is: to learn!

Personal development has been a part of my life because of this passion and because of my willingness to change.

I am not saying it’s easy, but I am willing and that helps.

Day 43 on my journey: Stop resisting!

On this day I read a story written by a member of the facebook group “Hurricane of Gratitude”. It’s a great group. People share what they’re grateful for, among other things, but for the last few weeks the founder has asked us to make a video or in any other way, share our world, our passions with the other members.

So, one of the members did a “wideo” (a video, but with words). The message she gave us was inspired by something she saw. Every day on her walk with her dog she gets to the top of a hill and sees birds. On this one day she saw a hawk. Normally they glide through the air effortlessly, but on this day the hawk was trying to stay in one spot. You could tell that it was costing a lot of energy and it was definitely not easy.

The same thing goes for us. When we resist life, it saps our energy. You feel tired and depressed, but when you just go with the flow and accept what is, as just what is, life is so much easier.

I hope to finally feel that God or the Universe or whatever force out there taking care of life, is taking care of me. That no matter what, I am loved.

I am loved now!

Day 38 on my journey: Is the Universe trying to tell me something?

I had another flat tire this morning. Exactly two weeks ago on my daughter’s first birthday some crazy guy puctured two of my tires and this morning a Kuwaiti lady tried to squeeze me of the road and in the process I got a flat left front tire.

I can’t remember how many times now I have had to change tires.

Now, I once read this book called:”The body is the barometer of the soul” by Annette Noontil. The book was okay, but a bit hard to understand for me. One of the things that stuck with me is the fact that she not only writes about ailments being a reflection of your inner world, but that the condition of you car does the same.

So I looked up what flat tires mean and this is what it says:

Tires-Flat
Left front:
A fear has stopped you being in charge of your Spiritual direction.

And since I also had a flat right rear tire (the guy punctured that one before) this is what it says:

Right rear:
Not putting any enthusiasm into your Physical direction because you are not wanting to do it.

I’m sorry but I have trouble understanding what it says, probably because these are my problems and I am not ready to “see” them yet.

The one about the Physical direction I kind of get. I should be exercising, but I am not. I have been wanting to do yoga, but just haven’t. So I guess it’s right, I don’t want to.

The one about the Spiritual direction might be about the fact that I want to meditate, but just can’t seem to get into a rythm. I do remember being afraid of the “spiritual” world, as in ghosts and spirits… watching “Charmed” doesn’t help…:-)

I’ve had a few experiences of finding “myself” “out of my body”. These experiences taught me that there is more to life than the physical, but I just cannot get a grip on where I want to go in life.

Of course I want to get debt free and have a prosperous life, but what for? What am I doing with my life?

I really feel “held back” from “being me”. My husband doesn’t support my personal development. He says he believes in God, but doesn’t really “do” anything with it. He seems to believe that the only way he can make money is by working hard and that there is not enough, so he needs to save as much as he can. I guess he is at the opposite side. I overspend because I feel there is not enough, to sustain that feeling and for him he will never feel like he has enough, no matter how much we have in savings.

I only have people online that are kind of like minded. I guess, bottom line, I feel alone.

As I am writing this, I realize why I am not yet debt free. Even after all the networking I have “tried” to do I still feel alone.

I once heard during a meditation session I really “tried”, that I had to be patient. How much longer do I have to wait?

Every time I am about to make a big leap forward I get like this, so I hope this is another introduction into a “better” me…

Help me keep my fingers crossed!

I just realized that I am having trouble with my windscreen wipers. They just start wiping without me turning them on and just stop when they want to.

I looked up “windscreen wipers” in the book and this is what it says:

“Not being able to see what direction you need to go.”

Right on!!! The Universe is trying to tell me something!!!