I thought about this feeling alone issue and where it comes from, because I don’t think the only way I’m expressing it, is through my finances.
When I was four my sister was born. I didn’t like her. It took me years to really see her as my sister. I always thought she was fake. That whenever she laughed or cried, she didn’t really mean it.
I know it sounds strange, but that’s how I felt. I even told her so.
I always felt that she had my younger brother as her companion and I didn’t have anyone. Even a friend I had in school wasn’t always available to play with me and she had a lot of brothers and I felt like they didn’t like having me around.
So from a young age I’ve learned to be by myself. I remember being in my room and studying or reading books. I loved doing that and still do.
On the audio Joan said that people may say that they like being by themselves and that that was not a problem. We need some alone time, but it shouldn’t be a way to avoid being around other people. It may be that you’ve learned that others might hurt you. I don’t think that’s the reason I like being alone.
When we were young, our parents never really took us out. They didn’t want other people to be annoyed by us. You know what I mean? They didn’t want to impose us on other people. I think that’s where my aloneness comes from. The thought that I might annoy someone else and I guess the person won’t like me and abandon me. So end of the day I am afraid of being left alone.
Joan is so right!
At the moment I don’t feel like I have anyone to really talk to about the things that interest me. I do know some people on the Internet, but no one in “real” life. So I’m feeling alone! No wonder I feel I don’t have enough money most of the time…:-(
Being alone has become a habit for me from an early age. I have some BSFF statements I am going to try using to overcome this habit.
